A Walk with God

Though my pride is still much too large, I am grateful for the ways in which God has humbled me. Had I been successful in all the endeavors of my life, I would never have come to see my need for God and His grace in my life. I would have continued in my pursuit of perfection in my strength (with “God’s help”), taking pride in and credit for all my accomplishments. Most of us see failure as a negative. My perspective on that has changed. Failure has brought me to my knees and therefore, it is a gift. Failure has also left me unable to judge others and more compassionate about their struggles. Strange as it may sound, I feel blessed that I was not able to achieve my goal of the perfect Christian wife and mother, because I have discovered something so much better.

Since leaving organized religion, I have experienced a great deal of judgment and rejection from my brothers and sisters in Christ. It was very painful at first. But I deserved it. I was reaping what I have sown because I have judged others in the same way. I see now that, instead of judgment, instead of shunning, what is really needed is the unconditional love of Christ that we claim to have but often fail to give. This, too, has been a humbling lesson for which I am so grateful. It has given me the ability to empathize with such a bumper sticker. It has also given me the desire to put down my stones and just love my “neighbor”. “For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.” We are all the same. And we all need the same thing - love, acceptance and forgiveness. My prayer is that when the owner of that bumper sticker meets me, he will find nothing to fear, but simply Jesus.

What does it mean to “die to myself”? I really don’t exactly know. I do know that it hurts. A LOT. I know that I’m no good at it because myself does not want to die. I know that myself wants to be loved, considered, appreciated, and respected. I know that myself does not like to be ignored or ridiculed. I also know that I have experienced disappointments in these areas on a regular basis. Perhaps dying to myself is about accepting that and letting go of my right to those things. If so, I feel sure this is not something I am able to accomplish. Still, lately, God seems to be making me aware of my reactions to such offenses and how very tightly I hold onto my “rights” and my “self”. If I am totally honest, I must admit that the idea of dying to myself scares me - to death (now that’s ironic). Yet, I want it more than anything. The reason is simple. As long as myself is standing in the way asserting all her rights, it seems to me the Holy Spirit’s ability to live and work through me is limited. I want all God has for me and I definitely don’t want to stand in the way.

Jesus did not assert his right to be loved, considered, or respected, though he deserved it more than anyone ever has. He allowed others to believe lies about him; he “turned the other cheek” when offended; he accepted rejection. He understood the secret of dying to oneself. Many Christians talk about following Jesus’ example (“What would Jesus do?”). It seems to me if we are to follow Jesus’ example, then we would simply need to stop striving to imitate him and rest in God’s strength. That sounds like an easy thing; like doing nothing. But I am learning that resting in the Lord is anything but passive. It is not at all easy; it is a minute by minute choice between a focus on me and my problems or a focus on Him. I don’t want to be like Jesus; I want His life through me. So it is with fear and trepidation that I say, Yes, Lord, enable me to die to myself. I’m ready (as I’ll ever be); I’m willing. Bring it on.

“I thought that I was all alone; broken and afraid. But You were there with me. Even though the journey’s long and I know the road is hard, You’re the one who’s gone before me. You will help me carry on. After all that I’ve been through, now I realize the truth, that I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God.” Mountain of God by Third Day

“It doesn’t take much for my heart to break and You have done it for what seems the millionth time. Whenever I hear of Your saving grace and how You gave your life in exchange for mine, sometimes I wonder why You even love me and why You ever chose to call me child. Then I remember it’s by Your sacrifice, I can say that I am Yours and You are mine.” You Are Mine by Third Day

“I was sure by now, God, You would have reached down and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day. But once again, I say, amen, and it’s still raining. But as the thunder rolls, I barely hear You whisper thru the rain, I’m with you. And as Your mercy falls, I’ll raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away. I’ll praise You in this storm and I will lift my hands. You are who You are, no matter where I am. And every tear I’ve cried, You hold in your hand. You’ve never left my side, and though my heart is torn, I will praise You in the storm.” Praise You in This Storm by Casting Crows

These are excerpts from three of my favorite songs on the CD that Cori sent me. I didn’t write the words but they express my heart so beautifully. I love the honesty in them. Some days I listen to them over and over and worship God. I haven’t worshipped God for years, really. I wasn’t sure I even knew what it meant and I knew I didn’t like the “show” it often seemed to be in the church. Just lately, though, I find my heart so full of love and gratitude to God that I want to express it. It’s not about singing; it’s just my heart to His.

I found a place where I love to meet with God. I know He is always with me but this is our special place and when I am there alone, I feel such peace. It’s right outside my bedroom door; on my deck where I can enjoy the beauty of nature all around me. We have a patio set there and the best time to go sit there is first thing in the morning, after the workers have gone to work, and the sleepers are still asleep. I’m alone. Except I’m not. Because every time I go there, He’s waiting for me. He’s been there all along. I just didn’t know.

I had lunch with a friend today.  Imagine that.   The funny thing I’m learning about this God I am just lately getting to know is that He seems to enjoy giving me the desires of my heart - right after I surrender them.  For the 11 years that we have lived here, I have desperately wanted friends, true friends.  There have been possibilities and hopeful moments, but for the most part, they have alluded me. Finally, a few months ago, I realized that I was looking for friends to meet the needs that God wants to meet in my heart.  So, I surrendered that desire.  I made a decision to look to God for my friendship needs and accept whatever He did or didn’t give me in the way of human relationships.   I began to be more appreciative of the long distance friendships He has given me with some of the most wonderful women in the world.  Maybe it is a rare occasion when I can sit down and have a cup of tea with any them but, still, they are always there for me.  I get more from those friendships than most women have in a whole community of relationships.  I became content with what God has given me.  Then, about a month ago, my neighbor Jo calls and says she is starting a Thursday Morning Women’s Club  - with two members, her and me.  It sounds perfect to me so we start meeting outside between our houses once a week for coffee and companionship.  I even printed out all my blog writings and shared them with her.  Jo has always been a precious friend to me though she is old enough to be my mother.  But, until her recent retirement, she has worked full time and we rarely have time alone together.  I find myself looking forward to Thursday mornings all week. 

So back to my lunch with a friend.  This past year, at our homeschool Co-op, I got friendly with another mom named Sara.  We talked about getting together this summer, so I called her and she invited me to go out for lunch with her.   She has 4 young children ranging from ages 9 months - 7 years, so I offer my teenage daughters as babysitters.  She takes me to this tea cafe with an Indian flare and we sit in a curtained-off booth on cushions instead of chairs with a tray between us instead of a table.  It was unique and fun.  We had tea (the menu had 4 pages of teas!) and lunch and talked for 2 1/2 hours about everything from children to church to parents.  I felt so grown up; is this how other women live?  Well, probably not most of us; not moms anyway. 

As I left her house feeling content, it dawned on me that, when I finally stopped looking, God decided to give me a life.  I felt loved.  He knows my needs.  And He cares.  He wants me to need Him first but He also wants to give me the desires of my heart.  Most of us women are desperately lonely and isolated from one another.  We worry about impressing each other; measuring up; always thinking other women have it more together than we do.  But really, we are all the same.  We need each other.  And God understands that.  After all, He made us that way.   

Recently, Cori reminded me in an email of a conversation we had less than a year ago when she still lived here.  She said she remembered saying, “when I’m having a hard time, I know it means I just need to get my focus back on Jesus“.  My response was, ”Whatever.  That means nothing to me.”   She recalls that conversation now as I write things like “…when my eyes are on Jesus, no matter what life brings, it cannot defeat me” and shares my excitement in seeing how God has recently made Himself so real in my life.  What I loved about Cori from the start was that I could just be myself with her and never feel judged.  She grieved with me in those dark days and she rejoices with me now.  As I read her email, I was brought back to those years of despair and felt astounded at the changes in my heart.  Cori met me at the end of those days, though neither of us knew that then.  She had already experienced much of what God has been showing me and she knew what was ahead for me.  But I could never believe her at the time.  I felt no hope and assumed my life would carry on this way forever.  Then one day, God turned the lights on and I have not been the same since.  I wonder how many people read when I write about keeping my focus on Jesus and say, “Whatever, I have no idea what that means” or “that’s great for Kim but God will never do anything like that for me.”  Some of the people I love the most say they wish they could have my faith.  So do I.  More than they could ever know.  But I did not have “my” faith until God chose not long ago to give it to me.  I get impatient with God sometimes for them.  But I know that God doesn’t love me any more than He loves any of His other children.  God’s way of reaching each of us, however, is as unique and special as we each are to Him.  No one else’s experience will be just like mine.  But I do believe, just as Cori believed for me, that God can and will meet the needs of every heart that seeks Him, in just the right way, in just the right time.  And for each of those loved ones that I pray for, I can’t wait to be there to remind them where they’ve come from and the miracle of God’s work in their lives.   What a priviledge that will be!

 “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”  Romans 12:15