The Dog (tired) Days of Summer
I started this journal as a record of my spiritual and emotional journey. I had no intention of talking about my physical wellbeing. For the past month, however, that has been my consuming battle. So there’s not been much to say and even if there was, I was too tired to say it. I have become suspicious that I have been getting nightly visits from a hungry vampire, who has been kind (?) enough to leave just the amount of blood necessary for me to stay alive. Or maybe I’ve read too many novels since the true answer is not nearly that dramatic and exciting. I recently discovered that I am hypothyroid, my adrenals are in “reserve” mode and my iron is very low. In layman’s terms, this means that I have been exhausted, weak as a kitten and recently going downhill fast. It has been all I can do to keep up with just the basics of cooking, laundry, errands, taxi-ing kids, etc. A trip to the grocery story is Mount Everest. No matter how much I sleep, it is not enough. I’ve had no energy to put into my relationships; walking around in a fog, feeling numb and empty.
I am so grateful that God has led me to this discovery after years of diet, exercise and searching for answers that have illuded me. I believe this must have started when my mother died and the stress of her loss and homeschooling 5 children became too overwhelming for me. A friend pushed me to see an endocrinologist during those days because I fell into such a deep depression that I could not function. The doctor informed me that my thyroid was enlarged, gave me anti-depressants and sent me on my way. I forgot about the thyroid until my recent diagnosis when I realized that it has probably never been right all these years since then. Finally I understand what the problem is and am encouraged that I can do something about it. Though I am still far from energetic, I feel that I turned a corner the other day. The exhaustion and weakness has not been as bad and I am functioning a little better lately.
I had an even more profound realization this week. This summer has been difficult and I have missed the joyful, peaceful days of the spring when God seemed to be giving me one revelation after another. While I would love to stay on the mountaintop forever, I understand that the times in the valley are just as (or even more) important to my spiritual growth. I have had to surrender my desire to be well and accept God’s will even if it meant never feeling well again. But I felt so loved and cared for by God when it occurred to me that He gave me that wonderful time this spring to get me through this valley. That experience prepared me for this one. I am not shaking my fist at God, questioning His love for me and wondering why He has “left” me, as I have in the past. I am trusting in His love for me, believing that this is all part of His good work in my life. Some days it feels like I am back in the “dark room” again, but it is different this time. I know that He is with me there; I can feel Him holding my hand, and I know I don’t have to be afraid anymore. There are times I hurt, times I feel fear, times I feel so lonely, but then He gently reminds me that I don’t have to believe the lies anymore. God has managed to reach my heart and convince me that I am loved and I never will be alone again. This understanding is worth any valley.
