A Walk with God

This morning I read my friend Cori’s blog about her children’s aspirations for when they grow up, to which she added her own goals for when she “grows up”. Some of us never do grow up. There are many of us who might get there near the end of our lives. A rare few attain this maturity in their later years, inspiring awe in the rest of us. I’d like to be in the last camp, but for now, like Cori, I know I am not so grown up yet, and her idea inspired me to do a little dreaming of my own.

When I grow up, I hope I will discover the secret to a genuinely intimate relationship with my Savior and the faith to never doubt His love. I want to know what it means to honestly be able to trust Him through each day and rest in His peace and joy, rather than being tossed around by my circumstances and emotions. I’d like to be a blessing, not a burden, to others; most of all, to my family. I want to play with my grandchildren. I want to be a friend to my children. I want to have fun with my best friend Phil, traveling and exploring the world together. I’d like to spend more time enjoying nature. I want to dance until dawn. While I am very blessed to be able to call some of the most wonderful women in the world my friends, I would like to have a girlfriend living close enough to me to go shopping with, invite for tea, and with whom I can pour out my heart face to face (more often than once or twice a year). I want to read, read, read - I never want to stop learning. Maybe I will have to visit Cori’s bookstore. I’d like to have my own art studio, and paint and draw to my heart’s content. I want to explore my love of alternative healthcare and use my knowledge to help others. I’ve always dreamed of being a support to pregnant women, physically and emotionally. The opportunity to be part of the fascinating world of pregnancy and childbirth in some capacity would be an incredible opportunity. I want to take lots of pictures and create scrapbooks to preserve precious memories. I’ve been teaching my children for 20 years and I’m a little burned out from it, but I am a teacher at heart so I know that in some capacity, I must continue to teach. I want to be brave enough to take risks and try new things. I want to eat, drink and be merry! Most of all, I’d like to make the best of what life brings me, treasuring the blessings, accepting the challenges, growing from the heartaches. I have a lot to look forward to when I “grow up”. Of course, I don’t know if I ever will grow up completely. I suppose accomplishing some of these goals would be part of that process. And it’s a big list, so I should probably get started right away.

Last week, I attended my first drawing class at the local community college. I have always called myself an artist, but this is the first art class I have taken in 25 years. Since I began having children 20 years ago, I have used my talent very rarely. This is long overdue. Everyone was excited for me, but as the time for the first class approached, I became increasingly nervous. What if I’m no good? What if I don’t have everything I need? What if I don’t have what it takes? Do I really want to walk into a classroom full of strangers feeling like the “new girl” all over again? I suppose some of us never get over our fear of the first day at a new school. I had numerous of those experiences as a kid and some of them are traumatic memories. But I digress.

I signed up for this class to do something fun for myself and I should have been looking forward to it. This is silly, I chided myself. I’m a grown, confident (?) woman and I’ve overcome far greater challenges than this. “Just relax and enjoy it,” Phil said. The real root of my problem, however, is that at this point in my life, I just want too badly to succeed at something. I feel like I need to accomplish something and feel good about it. So instead of just enjoying, I put pressure on myself and worried about the dreaded “F” word (not that word, get your head out of the gutter) - failure.

The hardest part of the class was walking in that room for the first time. The teacher had started a dialogue, before beginning the class, to warm things up, and I came in as students were answering her question. As I found a seat, she turned to me for my answer. “What is the question?” I ask, feeling put on the spot and wanting to hide somewhere. So much for discreetly slipping in. She explained that she was interested in our reasons for taking the class. Ok, that’s easy; I can handle that one, I thought. “After years of raising kids, I’m trying to find “Kim” again,” I reply, thinking that pretty well sums it up. After that, the class went pretty well. I liked the teacher and felt I could handle her assignments…until we started drawing a still-life. Hey, let’s go back to those easy worksheets where you tell me what to do step by step, I silently shouted. I hate still-lifes! At one point, I considered throwing my pencil down and walking out. I was so discouraged with my work. But I persevered, and when she told us to walk around and look at everyone else’s work, I was greatly encouraged to see that mine was one of the better ones.

I know it doesn’t matter how good my drawings are. It doesn’t matter if the teacher (or anyone else) is impressed. I don’t have to succeed. In fact, haven’t I already learned that success only builds up my flesh and keeps me from depending on God? (Well, I do tend to have to learn the same lessons over and over and over again.) What matters is that I took my first step in finding “Kim” again, re-exploring the gifts God has given me and discovering how He will use them in this new season in my life. The season of intense mothering is coming to an end for me and, while I might have given up a little too much of myself, I do not regret that I gave my best to my family. It can be a little scary to reach out into the world again, but also it’s actually pretty exciting to see what God has in store for me.

Putting my life down on paper can be such a challenging exercise. Sometimes, there are just no words to express what God is doing in my heart. At other times, I have no clue. While I have chosen to expose myself in a public setting, I don’t feel I have the right to make that choice for my family and friends. So frequently, the stories and lessons I want to share are not mine to tell.

Motherhood has been an especially painful struggle in the past couple of months. Many times I have wanted to share my experiences, feelings and revelations through this difficult phase of parenting, but I must respect the privacy of my children. I have often seen parallels in the way I treat God and in my children’s behavior. I only have 5 children; I have wondered at the heartache God must face at having millions of His children doubt His love, reject Him, blame Him, hurt themselves with bad choices, and take His blessings for granted. My love as a mother is not perfect like His, but I can relate to these heartaches and it has caused me grief to see that I have been part of this doubt, rejection, and lack of gratitude towards a Father who has loved me with such patience. I only hope and pray that by His grace I can put aside my own needs and love my children with even a measure of His unconditional, forgiving love.

My marriage has also been going through a difficult period as we have suffered through growing pains and the pressures of parenting. I believe the answer to all my marriage struggles is simple to understand, but much more difficult to live. I seem to be a slow learner, because over and over God gives me the same message; “Take your eyes off yourself and put them on ME.” When I can do that, instead of focusing on my needs and my husband’s imperfect love for me, I am able to love him and accept what he has to give. Of course, as with everything else, this is something God will have to accomplish in my life.

Lately, “surrender” seems to be the word of the day for me. My little white flag is waving high. I have spent years of my life fighting - fighting for my health, physically and emotionally; fighting for my family; fighting for my marriage; fighting to be the person I want to be; fighting for spiritual growth; fighting, fighting, fighting. I told God recently I’m done fighting. It has gotten me absolutely NOWHERE. I cannot accomplish any of these things. So I gave them up - surrendered every one of them to Him (again). If God wants to accomplish any of this in my life, He can and He will. If He does not, then I accept (even if I don’t always feel) that His love for me is all I need and He will do what is best for me. He does not need my help and, in fact, it has obviously been more of a hindrance anyway. The hardest thing in the world for a “doer” to do is to just “be.” But I’ve exhausted myself with my own efforts and I’m ready to try (or should I say stop trying). I’ll just “be”. Accept and “be”. The rest is up to Him. De-ja-vu, huh?

My daughter Nicole’s friend had a baby last night and the following is the letter I wrote her that expresses my thoughts on motherhood, so I wanted to save it.

Dear Shemeika,

CONGRATULATIONS! Welcome to the world of motherhood, the most rewarding, difficult and important job you will ever have. This is a joyful time in your life but also I know it can be intimidating to think of the responsibility you have just been given. You want to be the best mother you can, but they come with no instruction manuals. So, for what it’s worth, I would like to share with you what I believe are the most important lessons that I have learned in 20 years of mothering - from my heart to yours. While I know you must make your own way as a mother, I hope you can benefit, even if just a little, from my experience.

Don’t make the mistake of believing, as I once did, that God has handed you a bundle of clay with which you can create the person you choose. Your little boy is a unique creation of God and you do not have the power to change who he is. It is instead your job to love, nuture, protect and, most importantly, accept that special personality.

I have learned that I am not in control, much as I would like to be, of my children’s lives or anything else for that matter. Therefore, the greatest weapon I have in defense of my children is prayer. Of course, you will want to pray for God’s blessing and protection on his life, but my favorite prayer for my children is that God will reveal Himself to them and that His will may be done in their lives. Since He knows so much better than me what they really need, I would rather trust Him with the answers than ask Him to apply mine. It is my sincerest hope that my children will come to truly trust in God’s unconditional, unfailing love at a much younger age than I have. That is my prayer for you, too. I honestly believe this is the only way to find true peace and strength to deal with life’s rough seas.

There is an endless list of responsibilities as a mother - feeding, clothing, protecting, teaching, disciplining, etc. It can be an overwhelming burden at times, wanting to be and do everything for them. But, when it really comes down to it, what children need most is love and acceptance. Love covers a multitude of sins. While I have and will continue to make many mistakes as a mother, for my children to know that they are loved by me and that I will always be there for them is the greatest gift I can give them. If they are sure of my love, I have succeeded as a mother.

Last, but not least, while I am sure you want to give your “all” to your child, it is important not to lose “Meika” in the role of “Mom”. Take time for yourself and your interests. Don’t lose sight of who you are and don’t feel guilty to take care of your needs. They say you can be a much better mother if you take care of yourself, and it is true. I did not listen to this wise advice and now, after 20 years, I am trying to find “Kim” again, whom I gave up totally in my role as wife and mother. It not only hurt me but my family suffered for it as well. Don’t make the mistake I made. Your family is important but You DO matter, too.

They say your children step on your toes when they are young and on your heart when they grow older. While there is a great deal of truth to this, there is no need to fear it. It is through the challenges and struggles (and yes, even heartaches) of mothering that God can do the greatest work in our lives. I am so grateful for how God has used the humbling experience of raising my children to transform my life and heal my heart. And I would not trade it for anything.

You will make mistakes; every mother does. Trust God to guide you through each day and He will give you what you need when you need it. Be the best mother you can be, but forgive yourself for your regrets. Trust the amazing motherly instincts God has given you, Shemeika. They will not often fail you. No one knows what is best for your child better than you. I know you will be a wonderful mother because you will love your child with all your heart and there is no more powerful love than mother love.

Please know that I am always here if you need me to provide support and understanding from one mother (who’s been there) to another. God bless you and your beautiful little Justice.

All my love,

Kim

I finally did it!! It took 44 years but I faced the giant. I stood up to the bully. Who would that be? Sadly, in my case, that would be none other than my own father. It’s not that I have never stood up to my dad before when it was absolutely necessary but I’m talking about the big one. I’m talking about getting out my slingshot and knocking him DOWN - metaphorically speaking, of course. What I mean is, the compulsion in my heart became overwhelmingly strong to finally get it all out with my dad - well, most of it; the stuff that mattered. I prayed and prayed. I didn’t want to do this. I was terrified. I asked God to take away this strong feeling or else give me the courage to go through with it. Honestly, I felt that God was not going to let me rest until I stood up for that little girl in me who needed to overcome her fear of her father. I walked around for days feeling like a bundle of nerves. Talk about stress!

Let me go back a little to explain how I arrived at this point. My father has spent years of my life not speaking to me for such crimes as choosing to homeschool my kids or telling him that my daughter was too young at 8 to come visit him alone. That last one was what set him off on a rampage about 12 years ago where he actually declared “war” on me, whatever that means, and threatened to sue me for “grandparent rights”. He did not speak to me for 3 years, until my mother died. Then he called to say he was sorry about mom’s death and just picked up our relationship like nothing had ever happened - no apologies, no discussion. And I let him. I was grieving for my mother and I had no strength for confrontations with my dad. I was just happy for the peace between us. I didn’t usually hold grudges against my father for not speaking to me. I mostly just enjoyed the break.

I made a decision to forgive the past (again) and just love my father as best I could. He has remained difficult but I have managed to maintain a relatively friendly relationship with him since then. I supported him through the divorce with his second wife and made friends with his new girlfriend. His girlfriend was a good influence on him and made it much easier to be around him. She even convinced him to apologize to me for the first time in my life after a fight we had a couple of years ago. In the past year, however, he has become increasingly hostile towards me. I have often sensed he was mad at me for reasons I could only guess. He stopped saying he loved me when we talked even after I would tell him I loved him - he would just say “bye” or hang up on me. Then this summer, it seemed to get worse and I started feeling resentful. After years of loving, accepting, and forgiving him, he was going back to the same old abuse. I became increasingly convinced that the time had come to stop excusing his childish, self-centered behavior and make my stand. My sister asked me what my goal was and I told her it was simply to face my fears and say my peace. I had no illusions of Dad truly hearing me or asking my forgiveness. I doubted I could even get through what I had to say without him hanging up on me or attacking me.

I sensed that God wanted me to trust Him for the words rather than plan out what I wanted to say. But I told Him I just couldn’t do it - I was too afraid my mind would go blank. So I wrote it all out, but I should have known I would not need it. When the time came, God gave me all the courage I needed and all the right words. The first day I tried to call him, I panicked and could not go through with it. Then I got a nasty voice message on my cell phone from him a couple of days later and I was mad. That was the push I needed.

So I finally called my dad and got right to the point. I talked about the way he had been treating me for the past year - punishing me by taking his love away when I didn’t jump through the right hoops , just as he had been doing to me all my life. I talked about how he has always made me feel that I was never good enough, could never measure up to his standard - that I never felt he was proud of me. I talked about how he has spent years of my life not speaking to me whenever I pissed him off (which was quite easy to do). I told him I have never felt loved or accepted by him for who I am. I explained how this has caused me to struggle with my self-esteem all my life. I said I didn’t understand why he would rather I felt intimidated by him than treasured. Then I told him that I was not willing to subject myself to anymore of his putdowns, criticisms, or silent treatments. I deserve better.

His response wasn’t that surprising at first. He tried to change the subject several times to his current problems with his ex-wife. I would not allow it and kept going back to my theme. He let me say all I had to say without hanging up on me. Then he said that maybe this was how I felt but it was not true. He loved me and always has. He treated me as though I had made all this up. But I stood my ground - I refused to back down. I insisted that I was telling the truth. I gave examples that he could not refute. In the end, he just asked me what it was I wanted him to say. I said I wanted him to say he was sorry. And he actually did - but not for the things I was talking about. He said he was sorry that we haven’t been closer and that we have misunderstood each other. Well, that was the best he could do but, for my dad, that is pretty good. I did not expect that he could truly face any imperfection in himself and admit to what I was saying. For me, it was enough that I said it. It was a bonus that he actually listened and he didn’t get mad at me. At one point he did start saying he understood my point and I knew what those code words mean - our relationship is over. I told him he did not understand at all - that I wasn’t interested in the usual “never speak again” dramatics. I told him I love him, I forgive him and I would like to still have a relationship but I just want him to stop hurting me. Amazingly, we hung up on good terms. That is nothing short of a miracle and I could see God’s hand in it all.

When it was over, I felt like a huge load had been taken off my shoulders. I was proud of myself! I said some very tough things to my dad but I said them all in love. I had faced my Goliath and it was so much easier than I thought. I could see that God had taken me through another step in His process of healing my heart. And that day, my father’s power over me was broken.

Having written so little this summer, the blank page in front of me feels a bit intimidating. It’s not that I have nothing to say; on the contrary, there is so much that I don’t quite know where to begin. God has continued to work in my heart and life in many amazing ways through some difficult, painful circumstances. Being a perfectionist, I want to backtrack and try to record all that I have missed, not leaving out a single detail. But that’s just too daunting a task right now, so I will just start with one realization I had a few weeks ago that I do not ever want to forget.

The focus of my life in the past few months has been this idea of abiding in the Lord. What does it mean? How is it accomplished? I’ve written about some of my discoveries and struggles in this area. During the summer, I became so frustrated because I was not seeing the changes in my behavior that I wanted and hoped would occur as a result of learning to abide in and trust God. If I were abiding in the Lord, His “fruit” would be evident in my life, right? Then one day recently, a light bulb went on inside me somewhere. It dawned on me that while my attention has been on my behavior as the important result of abiding, God’s focus was entirely different. He showed me that His interest in me is not about my performance. His purpose in my abiding is intimacy with Him; to know Him, to experience His love, to live in His peace and joy. Not about what I should do for Him; what He wants to do for me! After a lifetime of conditioning to see love as something one must earn, this is such a foreign concept to me. Does He really mean for me to believe that He simply wants to love me for myself, as I am?

I realized that I am still trying to win His approval. He reminded me, yet again, that I do not need to - I already have it. I always have. I also realized I’m still trying to look good to others; to win their approval. But I don’t need to do that either. It is ok for others to see that I am flawed; we all are. And I can certainly love better from a humble place than when I am on my pedestal. As I recognized these truths, I was able to take another step in accepting and understanding His beautiful, unconditional love for me. I am awed by it. And He is slowly, patiently melting my heart.