A Walk with God

It's been at least 15 years since I last saw my friend Carol Gwosdz.  In fact, we completely lost touch about 9 years ago when she moved and I didn't have a forwarding address.  I was sad to lose touch with her but accepted that often friends come and go and I was grateful for the many ways God had used Carol in my life and for the time we shared.  I have always greatly admired her as a woman, a wife, a mother.  In fact, she was my inspiration for the homebirths of my children when I was invited to share in the homebirth of her third child and for homeschooling my children as I witnessed her teach her own children with patience and creativity. 

I discovered, however, about two years ago, that our friendship was not over afterall, when Carol's oldest daughter, Misty, looked up my daughters on "myspace" and sent them each a message saying, "our moms used to be best friends".  This led to an email relationship between Carol and myself as well as the occasional phone call.  We had a lot of catching up to do. 

Of course, I had hopes of seeing Carol again one day but wasn't so convinced it would ever happen until I got an email saying she was coming to see me SOON.  On Carol's birthday in January, her son, Dustin, asked what she would want if she could have anything.  Carol's reply was to see me.  So Dustin bought her a plane ticket to come visit me and even gave her spending money.  I can't really express how special I felt when she told me.  Of all the things she could have said, she chose me.  Wow! 

I made plans to drive up to the DC area, spend the night with Nicole, and then we would go pick Carol up at the airport the next day.  The day finally arrived to leave and, as I drove to Nicole's school, it occurred to me that it would have been so nice if I'd gotten some flowers to put in Carol's room to greet her.  I know she loves flowers and it would add a nice, welcoming touch.  I regretted that I hadn't thought of it sooner.  Within five minutes, I got a call on my cell from Heather.  She wanted to let me know that our neighbor Jo had just stopped by and brought us a beautiful arrangement of flowers.  I was stunned.  A coincidence?  If it was, it was an amazing one to me, but I didn't believe it was. In the 8 years I've known her, Jo has never brought us flowers.  I felt an overwhelming sense of God's personal love for me and it brought me to tears.  It was just a little thing.  I hadn't even, in fact, asked Him for it.  But it seemed to me as if He was saying, "I heard you wanted this and I just wanted you to know how special you are and how much I love you, so I sent you some flowers."  I wondered how many gifts God had sent me along the way that I have missed in my pre-occupation with myself.  Fortunately, I didn't miss this one, though, and they were the most beautiful flowers I've ever received. 

Caroline is home now.  All I want to do is look at her beautiful face, listen to her sweet, gentle voice and hug her nonstop.  Even as my heart goes out to the grieving families, I am also filled with gratitude.  

We call this a senseless tragedy. It is certainly tragic and there is certainly no sense in the killing of these innocent people, many just at the beginning of their lives.  But is it true that what Satan intends for harm, God uses for good?  For those who are experiencing a personal loss, it might take a long time to believe that anything good could come from this horror.  I can sure understand that.

But for me, God has used this terrible scare to remind me of what really matters in life.  Too often, with my negative thinking tendencies, I have focused on what is wrong with my life rather than what is right.  When death brushes closely by, you remember that the people you love are gifts to treasure every day.  None of us have any guarantee of tomorrow. I was reminded not only to be thankful for Caroline's safety, but for all the special people in my life who love me and for all God has given me.  There is always something to complain about and always something to rejoice about.  And I have a choice.  I choose to be grateful.

In addition to gratitude, I am reminded of the importance of letting your loved ones know how much they mean to you.  When bad things happen, we vow to be more faithful to say "I love you".  As the memories fade, we tend to forget our promise and start taking people for granted again. Human nature, I guess. 

My mom and I often expressed our love for one another - we are an affectionate family.  But when she died, I would have given anything in the world to be able to tell her one more time how much I love her.  I still feel that way 8 years later.  Maybe one day I will be able to tell her again, but on this earth, I no longer have that priviledge.  However, for the rest of my loved ones, I can keep saying it and it can never be too often.  If you are reading this, it means I love you and trust you with my heart, which also means I think you are very, very special.

Another beautiful thing that comes from tragedies like this is the way people come together to support one another.  We forget all our petty fighting, our religious, political and cultural differences, and remember what matters - we are all brothers and sisters and when one of us hurts, we all hurt. 

Today I took Caroline out for lunch.  As our hostess seated us, she saw Caroline's VA TECH shirt and said, "Can I just give you a hug?" and then to me, "Let me give you one, too."  Caroline and I received her warm hug, thanked her and were so choked up, we were struggling to maintain our composure.  Later, she brought us some chocolate cake and said, "My grandmother always said, 'Chocolate can't fix everything, but it sure does help' ".  Amen to that.  And it did.  But more than the cake, this stranger's compassion was a healing balm for us.   That's exactly what I'm talking about.  And all over our country, in fact all over the world, this compassion is being offered to one small community in the middle of the cow pastures in Blacksburg, VA and the families that love them;  a place many people had never heard of before Monday but now no one will ever forget.  I wish it didn't take tragic events like this to bring people together.  I wish the love and brotherhood didn't fade away with time.  But for the brief time that it lasts, it is like a glorious sunset.  It is an awesome sight and you don't want to miss a minute of it.  And watching this beautiful display of God's love and beauty, it is possible for me to believe that what Satan meant for evil, God uses for good.  

I will never forget yesterday.  Stressful seems a mild way to put it.  As I said in my previous blog, it was a blue Monday and little did I know that while I was wallowing in my self-pity, my daughter was facing the greatest terror of her life. I was just minding my own business, oblivious to the world outside my home, when the phone rang.  It was Caroline.  "I just wanted you to know I'm alive, Mom."

"I'm happy to hear that, Caroline.  Was there some reason I should be concerned that you weren't?"  That's how one of the most horrific days in the history of our country began for me.  Caroline went on to explain to me that she was walking to class and heard gunshots.  She wisely turned around and went back to her dorm where she remained for the entire day.  She said she thought someone had been killed and the school authorities were telling students to stay locked in their dorms and stay away from windows. But she had no idea of the magnitude of chaos that was all around her.  She and I kept in close touch all day through either her phone, when it worked, or the internet.  She became very afraid when she saw at least 100 police, guns ready, outside her dorm window.  Soon there were SWAT teams wandering through her building, warning the students to stay locked inside.  The news began to come out that not just one, but many people had been shot.  Caroline heard rumors about a gunman lining students up in classrooms and shooting them execution style.  Some said there were several gunmen.  Rumors of bombs.  I wanted to take comfort in the fact that my daughter was safely locked in her dorm, but with so little information and so many rumors, I wasn't comforted; I was terrified and frustrated.  I wanted to race down there and save my daughter.  But I knew I could get nowhere near that campus and I certainly didn't want her wandering around outside to come to me.  So, there wasn't a thing I could do but pray. 

As the number of casualties grew, my heart sank.  I could easily imagine being one of those parents whose lives were instantly shattered and my heart began to grieve for them. I very nearly WAS one of them.  It was a long, scary day and I spent it glued to the news, praying, and answering the phone. 

So many people called with concern and it was such a blessing to me to be the recipient of so much love. I talked to people all around the country; some of whom I haven't heard from in years.  What was glaringly absent, though not surprising, were the local phone calls - we got one; the kids' karate instructor.  It was a sad commentary to me on our life of 11 years in this community.  But I will not waste time distressing over that which has clearly been part of God's plan for us; instead I will choose to rejoice in all the many wonderful friends and family around the country that we do have to support us.

Phil and I decided to get the girls out of school and all go down there.  But Caroline didn't want us to come.  She felt it was still dangerous.  So we agreed to wait.  Evening came and we still weren't sure whether or not there were any more shooters wandering around campus.  Caroline insisted that there was no reason for us to come.  Yes, I thought, there is a reason.  I need to hold my baby, look at her sweet face and reassure myself.  But we were exhausted, unsure if we could even get anywhere near the campus, and decided to respect her wishes.  I went to bed early with a splitting headache and had a terrible night's sleep.

This morning, I spoke with Caroline as soon as she was awake.  She said she had a bad night.  She was thinking about how she would feel if her boyfriend had been one of the victims and then she understood how we felt.  She knew why I wanted to come and hug her.  They have cancelled school for the rest of the week and many kids are going home.  So I'm going to go get my little girl and give her the biggest hug I can and maybe never let go.  Mother-love is a powerful thing.            

Today is a blue Monday for me.  I woke up feeling that familiar "I want to stay in bed and hide from the world" feeling this morning.  Immediately, I prayed and gave it to the Lord; my new habit.  I asked for His comfort and asked Him to meet the need of my heart.  Then I got up to drive the girls to the bus.  On the way, I was remembering yesterday. 

Phil has been talking with a carpenter named Paul who comes into his office regularly to buy materials.  They have started a friendship and have found they have much in common; both Christian, homeschooling dads who don't want to be part of organized religion.  So last week Paul invited us to a home-church his family has been attending which is about an hour drive from us.  He told Phil he didn't think it was what either of our families were looking for (too structured) but that we could meet with his and another family there and talk about starting something less formal and a little closer to home.  We debated about going all week and Sunday morning we both woke up thinking about it and wanting to give it a try.  So Phil and I went and dragged Philip with us, and, as it turned out, no one showed up but Paul, his wife Kristin, and 6 of their 9 children (ranging in ages from 20 to 2).  We sat with them and talked for hours.  We shared our story; they shared theirs.  We found we had much in common as we talked about many things and discussed what we were looking for in the way of fellowship and "church".   Their kids seemed so perfect.  We ended our meeting without coming to any conclusions about what we would do next, except to get in touch again. 

Later, I told Phil that they had what I had spent my life trying to achieve - the successful homeschool family.  I admitted that being around a woman like her would be difficult for me even though I liked her very much.  I recognized that having "good, successful flesh" is not what is important in our lives as Christians.  Maybe it is meaningless to God and maybe it only serves to make it harder for us to admit our need for Him.  Nonetheless, my pride and vanity and my desire for my children's happiness make it a hard pill for me to swallow that I could not accomplish that.  I thought that maybe I should have been stronger and hung in there with homeschooling my kids through high school.  Maybe then they wouldn't have had so many problems and heartaches.  To be quite honest, women like Kristin make me feel like a total failure as a mother.  But I went to bed convincing myself that my kids were in a better place to see their need for God and that was more important to me.

This morning, however, as I drove to the bus stop thinking through all of this, I realized that my depressed feelings had their root in my sense of failure.  Within a few minutes, I was able to get to the heart of the matter.  When my mother died almost 8 years ago, I plummeted into a depression.  From that time on, I sort of "checked out" on my family. I've spent all these years so consumed with my grief, my needs, my discouragement, my self-pity, my sense of failure, my pride, my loneliness, ME, ME, ME, that I have let my family down.  I cried bitterly for all the lost time that my family needed me and I have not been there for them.  I grieved for how my selfishness has hurt the ones I love the most.  All those wasted years and the damage it has done to my children and my marriage.  God forgive me.  Phil forgive me.  My dear children forgive me.  I don't even have the courage to face them with these admissions.   Every time I think God couldn't possibly humble me more, He shows me yet a deeper glimpse into the wretchedness of my heart.

I'd like to say now that I have seen the light and will "turn over a new leaf".  I'll put aside my selfishness and be the beautiful woman of God that I so want to be.  But I know better now.  I spent many years trying to accomplish just that - to be the perfect Christian woman.  Then I spent years feeling sorry for myself because I could not and blaming others for my feelings of failure.  Now I understand that any goodness in me can only be accomplished by God so all I can do is surrender to Him.  All these years of my effort have brought me back to "square one".  

I want to say thank you to my family - to my wonderful husband and to my 5 very special children.  You have loved me when I was most unlovable.  You have stood by me even when I didn't stand by you.  You have shown me patience, understanding, compassion and forgiveness that I have not deserved.  I am a very blessed woman. 

 Something amazing happened today.  It happened to my daughter Nicole actually, not to me, but God used it not only to show His love to Nicole but to me as well.  This morning, I was sharing honestly with God about my doubts about Him.  After years of being brainwashed by organized religion, and then coming to see so much of it as empty and phony, I have been turned off by so much that is called "Christianity" and so much wrong that is done in the name of Christ.  I have been leary of anything that seemed at all religious and fearful of being dupped again.  As a result, I have probably rejected some of what is good about the church today as well.  In fact, at times I have even been unsure about my belief in the God of the Bible at all.  So I shared my feelings with God; I didn't challenge Him to prove Himself to me (as I probably have done so many times in the past); just asked Him to forgive my doubts and help my unbelief. 

So anyway, I was talking to Nicole on the internet and she was in a bad mood because she was planning to quit her job that day.  She has been in a bad relationship for the past year and felt she really needed to come home for the summer to get away from him and have time with her family to heal.  She managed to get a position as a camp counselor at the YMCA for the summer here at home like she did last year.  But at her Fairfax job, she was hired on the condition that she stay thru the summer and she knew she would not only let them down but also not have the job next fall when she came back.  It's an ideal job for her; close to campus so she doesn't need a car, she can do her homework at work, easy people to work with, and the hours and pay are just right.  Anyway, before she got a chance to speak with her boss, the woman came to her and asked if she wanted to go home for the summer because some girl who had worked there before was looking for a summer job.  She said Nicole could have her job back in the fall.  Nicole told her she had wanted to go home but didn't want to lose her job and the woman said God must have worked it out for her.  Nicole then IM'ed me with a completely different attitude.  She said, "God loves me". 

I said, "I know." And then she told me her story.  She and I both were flying high all day, feeling very special to our heavenly Father.

As much as God loves me, Satan hates me.  Through all these years of darkness, my Enemy has bombarded me with messages such as, "God has abandoned you. He's not here; He doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.  Why would He?  No one does.  God's probably not even real anyway.  You've just been brainwashed.  You can't do anything right.  You are a failure at everything you do.  No one appreciates you.  Your family would be better off without you.  The world would be a better place if you just die!"  I'm sorry to say that I bought it all.  And I never recognized it for what it was - spiritual attack.  I never understood that God was right there beside me in my darkness, teaching me to walk by faith, not by sight. 

It's scary in the darkness.  It can make you desperate.  And it brings out the worst in you - I know it did in me.  In my desperation, my self-centered nature became very evident. I didn't understand that I was dealing not only with my lying emotions but with my lying Enemy as well.  As God began to bring me back into the light, I realized that I had been plagued by two spirits in particular - depression and self-pity.  I felt a little silly but I began to rebuke those spirits. All the drama in the church over this idea has turned me off, I guess, but it couldn't hurt, I figured.  It wasn't some dramatic, instantaneous, "praise God, give Him the glorrrry, I'm healed, can you say AMEN??!!!" deliverance (sorry, I got a little carried away there).  But...I kept rebuking these spirits and within a few days I realized they were completely gone.  Not only that, I actually felt joyful; it took me awhile to recognize that feeling!  But yes, I do remember joy. 

So now when I feel any of my old negative emotions creeping back, I pray, but I also use my authority in Christ.  I see now that so many of my negative emotions are spiritual attacks. But I have weapons - I don't have to be a helpless victim.  I dusted off my weapons and I intend to use them regularly now.  I have lately made a conscious effort to put on the Armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17) each morning.  It may sound hokey but this is war and it has lately become very real to me.  On my own, I was constantly defeated, but in Christ, I am always the winner.

I took a test in the "Sidetracked..." book about my view of God at my worst moments.  I found that my answers were typical of most.  Although I know that He is a loving God, my feelings tell me otherwise.  My feelings have told me that God is not there for me, that He will not hear me, that He will judge me, I will be unacceptable, and He may even kill someone I love to get my attention.  I was surprised by that last one because I didn't know that was such a common feeling among others - I thought that was just my own personal fear.

Of course, we tend to view God as we view our earthly father so my feelings about God shouldn't be surprising.  This is why it has been so hard for me to trust God. But my emotions lie to me because God is not like my earthly father.   Because for years I have been in a struggle between what I know and what I feel about God, I have found it much easier to run to my idols for comfort than to my God. When I was young and ran to my father, I usually got burned.  So my gut reaction was not to run to God - He might burn me as well.  After all, that's what fathers do, right?  Some idols are obviously harmful, like drugs; others seem harmless or acceptable like food, shopping, TV, withdrawing, even reading; but the most dangerous ones are the ones that we Christians see as respectable, which can include things like ministry and theology.  God showed me that some of the most innocent things I was doing had become my idols.  Isn't reading a good thing?  But I ran to my books for comfort and to shut out the world when I was hurting rather than running to God.  Before I left organized religion, I used ministry to feel good about myself.  Anything can be an idol.  It's a matter of where my heart is.

Fortunately, because God wants me to run to Him, He would not let my idols satisfy me.  He wanted me to conclude that only He could meet my needs; He alone is worthy of my complete trust.  So I gave God my idols and He took them.  It doesn't mean I won't ever stumble and try to take one of them back.  If I take my eyes off Him, I will.  But He took them and I don't need them anymore.

So I don't need to listen to my lying emotions anymore.  All I need to do is open the door to my heart and let Him in.  I can believe in the God of I Corinthians 13 because he is NOT like my earthly father at all.  He IS love.

I've always wanted to hear God's voice.  At times, I have felt sure I have.  More often, I have pleaded with Him to speak to me and felt like my prayers never went beyond the ceiling.  I'm not saying I expected a booming voice from the sky or that I needed a burning bush or anything.  Just some kind of clear reassurance of His presence; whatever that means.  Basically, I just didn't want to doubt anymore that He was there and that He loves me.  But I did.

As God has begun opening my eyes lately, I've had this most incredible revelation.  Like everything else He has been showing me, it is so obvious and simple.  So I find myself feeling stupid again for not grasping this sooner but grateful that God finally got it from my head to my heart.  What He showed me is just that God speaks to me all the time but I have not trusted Him.  His way is not loud and dramatic; His voice is quiet and gentle.  I Kings 19:11-13 says that the Lord is not in the wind, the earthquake or the fire, but in the gentle blowing wind.  We humans have this tendency to expect our relationship with God to be always dramatic and exciting, or else He must be ignoring us.  Sometimes we will have those mountaintop moments with God, but more often it will be just quietly resting in Him.  The temptation is to want to keep those mountaintop experiences going and keep our emotions stirred up.  This is so dangerous because it leads us to be misled trying to duplicate them and left often feeling dissatisfied with our lives.

"Sidetracked..." gives a wonderful illustration that really spoke to me.  When my child is doing my will, he will hear nothing from me.  If I've told him not to ride his bike on the street and I look out the window and see he is riding on the sidewalk, I have nothing to say to him.  But if I look out and see him riding on the street, I'm going to go out and yell at him to get off the street.  It's the same way with God.  If I am in His will, I hear nothing.  Being in His will is simple - I just say, "Lord, let your will be done in me" and then just trust that it will be.  If I make a choice that isn't His will, I can trust that He will let me know, just as I would be sure to let my child know.  I had it backwards.  I wanted God to shout to me or give me miraculous signs to tell me His will.  "KIM, GO BUY A CAR; YOURS IS GETTING OLD AND I'M SICK OF LOOKING AT IT!"  

It comes back to trust again, doesn't it?  If I trust Him, then I believe He is capable of keeping me in His will and guiding me.  I love that!  I've made it so hard for so long, telling myself that God didn't want anything to do with me.  Now I can see that I just wanted Him to fit into my mold instead of just believing in Him.  And just that little revelation has changed how I feel about His love.    I don't know exactly how to explain it but I just know He's there now and I don't feel the need to jump up and down to try to get His attention.  He's there; He's listening; and I do know His Voice after all.      

"...all our righteous acts are like filthy rags..." (Isaiah 64:6)

As I've said, I'm a perfectionist and my natural tendency is to try to do everything perfect (of course).  I wanted to be the perfect Christian, perfect wife, perfect mother, perfect whatever.  Wonder where I got that from!?! 

In the years after Phil and I left "organized religion" (known to most erroneously as "the church"), I began to realize that this system fed my perfectionist tendencies to my detriment.  God began setting me free from all the rules I had set up for myself.  I started to truly understand that a life of faith was not lived by following the rules but by following the Holy Spirit - not just to give it "lip service".  I think the truth is that you might not even always be able to tell the difference by looking at the outside of a person.  But the difference on the inside is phenomenal; life changing.  I learned to really enjoy the freedom in Christ that I was experiencing - "whom the Son has set free will be free indeed".  Eventually, however, this freedom was not totally satisfying because, while I was understanding what a Christian is not, I still could not quite grasp what a Christian really is.  And I still wasn't finding that intimacy with Christ that I long for.

As I read "Sidetracked...", I was impressed by the author's insight as he explained the "tree of good and evil" from Genesis. He said God's acceptance of us is on a pass or fail basis.  In Christ, we pass; outside of Christ, we fail.  We all understand that those that "eat" of the evil side of the tree are rejected.  But few of us accept the idea that those who "eat" of the good side of the tree are also rejected.  Our own self-righteousness could never measure up to God's standards.  So, sure, we look great to one another - everyone is impressed with the "godliness" of one who knows how to look good and follow the rules.  But to God, these are the same; they both amount to disbelief in Him. In a way, "eating" from the good side of the tree is worse because we are deceived into thinking we are righteous and pleasing God.  That seems to have been Jesus' point when He spoke about the blindness of the "white-washed" Pharisees and why the tax collectors and sinners were often more likely to repent because their sin was easy to recognize.  The Pharisees ate from the good side of the tree and the sinners ate from the evil side.

It's strange how you can understand something with your mind for years and then God manages to get it into your heart and it comes alive.  Like when I first began to understand the concept of grace with my heart about 10 years ago and would try to explain to others who would understand with their minds but I knew they weren't really with me - because God had not yet gotten this truth into their hearts.  Lately, God seems to be getting through to my heart about things I thought I knew and the result is that I feel like a blind man who has been given sight.

Long ago I knew how simple a relationship with Christ is, before I complicated it.  My good works are just filthy rags.  I don't need to strive to win God's approval.  I don't need to worry about tomorrow.  I don't need to accomplish my own holiness (and couldn't if I tried; which I did).  I just simply need to trust Him like a child and take it one day at a time.  

Just as I was finishing the book "Captivating", God dropped another book in my lap (sent to me by Cori).  It's called "Sidetracked in the Wilderness".  Sounds like me so I was interested.  It was like going to the next chapter of "Captivating".  This author also picked up on the idea that we tend to look everywhere to have our needs met except to God.  Before we can find the peace and joy we seek, we must experience the struggle and failure that come from our own effort to change. So God allows us to exhaust ourselves until we get to the point of despair of ourselves and others - ie, run out of our own resources.  Then we may be ready to trust Him. 

And this is exactly where I found myself.  Exhausted, despairing, desperate.  I had tried everything I could think of to find freedom from my struggles such as PMS, depression, headaches and mood swings, as well as unhappiness with my marriage and family.  I have spent years working on perfecting my diet, alternative healthcare, exercising, counseling, self-help books, EFT...well, I could go on and on. I felt I was honoring God by trying to be my best.  But actually these ways of coping had become my idols.  Even good things can be idols - anything we run to to help us cope with life other than Christ.  I found temporary success with many things but nothing permanent.  I became more and more hopeless with each frustrated effort.  As I read "Captivating" and then, "Sidetracked...", God continued to bring home his point that I had tried everything but simply trusting God and bringing my needs to Him.  In fact, I remembered that the only really dramatic relief I have ever had from PMS was years ago when a group of women from my church prayed for me.  It was one of those amazing times when you are sure God has answered your cry for help. 

How could I miss the absolute obvious???  I know this - in everything "bring it to God in prayer".  Duh.  So why have I spent all these years searching everywhere else for what I already knew?  Sure I have prayed; but I have not trusted in God to answer.  Instead I have taken it upon myself to answer for Him.  The human heart is a very stubborn thing.  Why must I complicate everything?  It is so very simple.  But if we do not become tired, we do not come to Him for rest.  I'm tired now.  And I'm ready to come to Him for rest.  And I have finally assured myself of what I knew all along - I will find it nowhere else; not in my family, my friends, nor any of my own resources. 

This seems somewhat repetitive of my last chapter, but apparently it bears repeating to myself, which must be why I keep getting books that continue this same message.  "He's all I need; He's all I need; Jesus is all I need."