A Walk with God

My mom died eight years ago today.  It seems like a lifetime ago.  Even though I knew she was dying, it was sudden and came as a shock.  She had a brain tumor but she died of heart failure - from an infection that had over-run her weak system.  I thought I had at least a year left with her and came back to the hospital from lunch one day to find her gone.  There's never a good time to say goodbye to your mom, but I was not at all ready.   I guess I never would be.  It was probably the hardest day of my life.  But I don't wish for my mom back because I know she is in a better place and I'm happy for her.  I'm not the same person I was eight years ago and much of that change has come through the grief and growth that came about as a result of losing Mom.  God has used that difficult time in my life to produce many good things.  My mom always tried to look for the good in every situation so I know she would be happy about that.  So I'm not grieving today.  I will always miss my mom.  Today, though, I am thankful for all that my mom gave to me and taught me - in life and in death. 

This is the week that the monster usually visits me.  So far, I haven't seen hide nor hair of her.  In the infamous words of my little friend Chloe, "Dis is odd."  I've spent years trying everything I can think of to get rid of this monster -  but this time, I did nothing.  I said, "Lord, I don't want PMS this month but if you have some good reason to allow it, then let me learn what You want me to learn from it."  Period.  (no pun intended)

This is Kim on PMS - moody, touchy, resentful, depressed, angry, wanting to be cared for, anti-social.  This is Kim now - joyful, peaceful, happy to give, wanting to care for, wanting to reach out.  Let me be clear here that I am not bragging.  Let me also clarify that - this is NOT Kim.    This could be nothing other than the Holy Spirit!  Kim is actually sitting in the background going, "WOW!  This is unbelievable!"

Here's some examples I'd like to remember.  Saturday, while Phil was out riding the 4-wheeler with the kids and I was inside cleaning, I had a little discussion with God about how I was definitely going to feel resentful if He didn't intervene and if He wanted me to react different from my usual way, He would have to do something - quick.  His problem, not mine (cause I already know I can't fix it anyway).  The end.  We were planning to go to the drive-in with the kids that night.  There was lots to do to pack up for it.  Phil came in and laid down one hour before we had to go.  I must defend my husband and say that he is not a lazy person - he is a hard worker and always willing to pitch in.  But God has some lessons for Kim and He is going to use my husband to teach them to me.  I wasn't thinking about any of this at the time though.  I decided to go get everything ready to go and caught myself feeling so happy that I could do this and let my tired husband rest for a bit.  I was shocked!  What the heck?  This isn't me.  But I continued to feel that protective desire to do whatever I could to spare my husband any work that weekend.  Joyfully.  

I had also decided that I would make breakfast for my two working girls each morning and pack their lunches.  Monday morning I got up to find the sink full of dishes (one of their jobs not done).  My first reaction was that maybe I shouldn't make their meals if I am going to have to do their chores for them.  After all, I am their mother and it is my job to teach them responsibility.  Then I had the strangest thought.  Maybe there is another lesson I could teach them that is more important - grace.  Maybe I have taught them more than enough lessons about "the law".  Maybe this time, I could do something different and teach them about giving when it is not deserved.  For many women, this may be obvious, but for me, this was a powerful revelation.  This could only be that sweet, gentle Voice that lately is transforming my life. 

Who is this woman?  I don't know her, but I have to say I like her much better than the Kim I know.  I think this must be what is called abiding.  It's humbling, exciting, and absolutely amazing.  I think I could get to like this.  The best part is that my part is very easy and simple - just rest and trust.  And to be honest, I think even that much He has accomplished in me.

I am learning that one of the greatest deceptions of my enemy is that I must work to become what I already am in Christ.  If he can convince me that I must accomplish my righteousness in Christ or that am hopelessly condemned to live a sinful life, then he has defeated me.  But the truth is that I can choose to abide in Christ and be free from my sinful nature.  That is a truth that I think most Christians do not really accept.  I know I didn't.  I am only recently recognizing how blinded I have been by Satan's lies.  I have not understood that "He who is in me is greater than he who is in the world."  I have allowed him more power in my life than he has.  Satan would not want us to comprehend that Jesus has stripped him of his power.  HE HAS NO POWER OVER ME UNLESS I GIVE IT TO HIM.  And, boy, have I!  I've fallen for the same lies over and over and over, for years.  That is why I begin each day asking God to protect me from his deceptions and open my eyes to truth.  And I have been constantly amazed by the truths God has been showing me.

I'm still not sure how this abiding thing works but I'm beginning to understand that oneness with Christ is not something I must accomplish, but something that has already been given to me.  Experiencing that oneness is another matter.  That's where faith comes in.  And God has grown my faith over these past months in a way I have never before known.  But I don't always "feel" at one with God.  The devil would like me to believe that I have to feel a certain way or I am not experiencing oneness with the Lord.  Another of his lies.  I have a tendency to be guided by my emotions and this often gets me into trouble.  God has been showing me that I cannot trust them and should not follow them.  But I can trust Him.  However I may feel; whether flying high and feeling close to God or down in the dumps and feeling like He is miles away; He is always the same - right there with me.  Since my relationship with Him has for years been dictated by my emotions, the best thing He can do for me is to teach me how to walk in faith with no emotional experience.  This is a difficult adjustment for me, but learning to have confidence in Him no matter what my feelings may be is comforting.  There is great peace in understanding that I am who I have always been in Christ, no matter what my enemy says, my emotions say or my behavior says.  God says, I am a new creation in Christ, the old has gone, the new has come.  This happened, not the day I felt it or even understood it, but the day I accepted it - the day I became saved.  Now that is freedom! 

"For now I do not love him (my husband) because of what he does for me or to me, but because of who he is.  He is free from having to perform for my love, for Jesus has earned it for him. How many Christian marriages suffer from shallow self-protectionism? (mine)  How many suffer from refusing to die and keeping lists of every loss suffered at the hands of the other, watching for every word that might offend or for an encroachment on precious self? (mine) After all, "me" is all I have, so I must do all I can to protect it.  Don't disagree with me, don't neglect me, be careful not to offend me, remember always to treat me with the greatest respect.  The only problem that I really have is that I can't stand me either.  Am I happier for all the effort it takes?  Is there any contentment in demanding that everyone in the family structure life around me? (no).......It is a deception to believe that the self-life can ever be satisfied.  Aren't you always left wanting more?"

I wrote out this long quote from the "Sidetracked in the Wilderness" book because I need to remember it.  The first 2 sentences are what I desire to do in my own marriage. I changed all the "she"s to "he"s for my purposes.  This morning, I was flipping through the book and the page with this section underlined jumped out at me.  I knew exactly why, too.  And just reading it caused me break down crying and have to repent (again). 

Things didn't go too well for Phil and me last night.  I came home late with the kids from a day of shopping and non-stop running.  I was starving (and everyone knows I am grumpy when I get too hungry) and I had to start dinner.  Phil had been home for over an hour and had been riding his unicycle.  I cooked dinner, did the dishes, straightened the house, put away the groceries, blah, blah, blah for the next 2 hours.  I'd like to say that all the while I was thinking what a joy it is to serve my family!  Ha! that doesn't sound much like Kim to me (Carol, maybe).  But, unfortunately, I was actually thinking what a bunch of lazy, selfish people were sitting around watching me work.  True, it was my night for chores but Phil has no chore night and it was late.  Couldn't, at least, my husband and partner offer to pitch in?  No.  So I fumed.  Later he asked me to tell him what was bothering me.  So I did.  He said he'd be happy to help out if I just asked.  I don't want to ask.  If he wanted to help me, he'd offer, so obviously he didn't.  I'm sorry to say we did let the sun go down on our anger; and rise again on it too.  So I woke up this morning feeling discouraged. 

Why does this keep happening?  God knows that I want to love my husband and accept him as he is.  But it shames me deeply to say that the quote above (after the first 2 sentences) describes me too well.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, as they say.  But that is a good thing, because in my weakness He is made strong.  And that is my only hope.  God is putting to death my flesh, and though it sometimes hurts like hell, I want it more than anything.

I don't think my husband often reads my blog, but if you are reading this, Phil, I ask your forgiveness.  My heart is honestly broken for how I have criticised and rejected you again.  I know you will forgive me because you are always ready to forgive me even though we are way past 70 x 70.  With all my heart, I want to love you for who you are, not what you do.  But as with every other good thing in my life, this will have to be God's accomplishment.  Thank you that you love and accept me for who I am even though I completely don't deserve it.  For the past 23 years, your unconditional love has been like a beacon to lead me to understand and accept my heavenly Father's love.  In you, I see Him.  And I am a very blessed woman to be loved by such a beautiful man as you.

Last night, Heather went with me as I ran a few errands.  We had a rare chance alone to talk.  I knew from Nicole that Heather has recently been seeking God, so I asked her about it.  She explained to me that she had prayed one night that God would help her with some struggles and confusion.  When Nicole came to her shortly afterwards and started sharing some things with her that God was doing in her life, Heather felt this was God's answer to her.   Then Heather gave me the news every Christian mother wants to hear.  "I'm a Christian now," she nonchalantly informed me.  I'm not sure why I was so shocked; it just seemed too good to be true.  Wasn't it just months ago she was claiming to be an agnostic (whatever that is) and not long before that she was an atheist?  I guess that is progress, but this announcement....WOW!!!  I didn't jump up and down and scream, though I felt like it.  I played it real cool.  I just squeezed her hand and told her how happy I was for her.  Understatement of the world!

As I sat in the car rejoicing in my heart, I remembered that for the past year I have been praying almost daily for my family that God would reveal Himself to each of us.  It struck me that God has already, in the most definite and amazing ways, done just that for me and at least 2 of my children.  By now, I shouldn't be surprised to see God answer my prayers but this one is really big.  My heart was bursting with gratitude as I silently thanked Him.  There is no greater gift He could give me than the assurance that my children have willingly placed themselves in His Hands.  Two down; three to go.  Some may be more of a challenge than others but, somehow, I feel sure He can manage it. 

I'm not sure if I'm reading this book or it's reading me.  I've noticed a pattern.  God shows me some truth or teaches me a lesson one day and, often that night, I read about the very same idea.  This is exactly what happened the other day when I had my little excursion to town.  When Nicole read my blog that day, she said, "I don't understand why your being so weird means God is funny."  I couldn't really explain it.   I just knew God was trying to get His point across to me in a way that struck me as not only ironic but very humorous.  That night, I continued reading my chapter on abiding in the "Sidetracked..." book and got my explanation. 

"Coming to know oneself and accept the fact that in one's body dwells no good thing is not easy, and often is accompanied by much suffering...if abiding is dependent upon us it is impossible...it is God who keeps us...the abiding life is not a feeling, but an awareness...Abiding is knowing that He is keeping us even when we cannot keep ourselves."  Well, isn't that just what God showed me that day??  There was a time when a day like that of constant failure would have left me defeated and beating myself up.  What a glorious testimony of His work in my heart that instead I was able to laugh at myself and accept that no good thing dwells in my flesh and that's ok, because God's Spirit also dwells in me.  And He is able even if I'm not.  I needed to try and fail at abiding on my own efforts to see that He is the only one that can keep me. 

I must depend upon Him minute by minute.  Thinking about this idea reminded me of how Jesus said we need to come to Him as little children.  I thought about my own children when they were small.  They depended on Phil and me for everything - for food, shelter, protection, even their happiness to a large degree.   They didn't worry about the future because they trusted us to provide for them.   When they were hurt, physically or emotionally, they didn't run from us, they immediately ran to us, completely trusting that we would know how to best care for them.  They never questioned that Mommy and Daddy would always be there for them and know what to do in every situation.  They were completely dependent upon us, day by day, minute by minute.  As they grew older, that dependence decreased.  They questioned us more; felt the need for more independence.  Wanted to take care of their own needs.  While this is a natural part of growing up, it is, unfortunately, also the way our response to God changes as we "grow".  So Jesus' statement makes perfect sense.  We have to go back to that complete trust and dependence on God in order to experience the abiding relationship with Him.  That is where we find the peace and joy we long for.  We make it so complicated but, in reality, it is so simple only a child can understand it.   

"I am the Vine; you are the branches... apart from me you can do NOTHING."         (John 15:5)

I'm slowly but surely making my way through the "Sidetracked in the Wilderness" book.  Every chapter is speaking to me and sometimes I just need to stop reading for awhile to digest.  This week I have been reading about "abiding" in the Lord. The author explains that we cannot imitate Jesus; He must live through us.  Our job is not to generate life but to receive it from Him.  It is when we surrender our problems to God and stop focusing on them that we can find deliverance. Great; that sounds easy enough after all my years of striving to imitate Jesus' life.  

This morning, I left the house early to run some errands.  All the way to town I prayed.  "Let me abide in You today, Lord."  So I went into Walmart feeling optimistic.  God was going to shine through me today!  Everything was going great until I got to the deli section.  There were two ladies behind the counter going about their business.  I was apparently invisible.  I've experienced this before at this deli so it didn't take long for me to feel irritated with the blatant way they ignored me.  But the final straw occurred when another customer walked up and they immediately offered to help her.  I'm thinking - this is a joke, right?  I look around for a mirror to make sure I am indeed visible.  Then I call out to one of the deli women as I'm waving my arms, "Yoohoo!  Do you see me?  I'm here!"  (Yes, I really did that.)  She replies, "I'll be right with you."  Yea, just as soon as you finish waiting on the customer after me.  I rudely reply, "Well, I was here first."   I immediately feel ashamed of my behavior and silently beg God's forgiveness though I can't bring myself to apologize to the deli woman.  She'd probably think I was nuts.  So much for abiding in Christ. 

Then I go to the Post Office.  I have some books to mail and the clerk asks me if there is anything in my first package but a book.  I tell her that there is a card, so she says she has to charge me double.  Does that make any sense?  I can send that card alone for 41 cents!  When I give her the second package, I'm ready.  "No, just a book," I lie.  For that package, I get the book rate. Ha! I showed her!  I walk out of the Post Office feeling guilty (again).  "Did I really just lie to save myself a couple of dollars?"  This strikes me as funny and I start laughing.  I love God's ironic sense of humor!  Abiding, Spirit-filled Kim.  Aren't I just a little light to the world? 

Next,  I stop at the Goodwill to drop off some clothes donations.  There's a huge 18 wheeler parked across the parking lot so I have to walk with my heavy bags the 5 miles around it (ok, slight exaggeration) to get to the door.  I'm thinking, "Now what am I going to get myself into?"  But actually, I was too busy laughing to misbehave this time.  

I laughed all the way to the gas station where I filled my tank as politely as all the other customers.  Then I sat at the light for 3 hours waiting for it to change (maybe another slight exaggeration).  Finally, I'd had enough.  I just boldly turned right on red against the rules.  Yes, Kim, the rule follower, broke a rule.  I continued to laugh all the way home.   If there was any doubt left, this day has made very clear to me that I cannot generate a Christ-like life but must depend entirely on Him.  God certainly has a job on His hands with me.  My prideful self will not be denied or die easily.  But that's ok.  God loves me, accepts me and is eternally patient with me.  So it will be interesting to watch Him work.  I'm just going to try to sit back and enjoy the ride.  Because I don't think I ever realized it before, but He's a really funny guy. (Can I say that about God? Well, I just did.)

As I pulled up to my house with a big smile on my face, it occurred to me.  I think I found something I had lost.  I remember this.  It's called JOY.