A Walk with God

Dad,

You asked Phil last night why we couldn’t sit down and discuss this.  I have tried to discuss this with you several times without success.  It is very difficult for me to talk with you because you don’t usually listen to me – you talk over me or just ignore what I say.   You said that I am making a big drama and you don’t understand what it is about.  I did not make this a big drama.  You did.  All Phil and I simply said was that 3 weeks is long enough for you to visit here.  And because you didn’t like that, you have turned this into a big issue.  I tried to give you general reasons why it isn’t a good idea for you to stay longer because I don’t think there would be any purpose in explaining further and I don’t want to hurt you.   But you would not respect our wishes and accept this.  You continued to pressure me to let you stay longer, and try to make me feel guilty, making it harder than it already is.  I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you before you came that I didn’t want you to stay more than a couple of weeks, but I did try to tell you several times and you ignored me.  So I thought it would be better to just discuss it in person when you came.  I didn’t expect you to be planning your life around your stay here.
I am not holding a grudge against you for things that have happened many years ago.  I do not want to allow bitterness to consume my life as I have watched it consume yours, and I have chosen over and over to forgive you.  However, it has been a lifetime process because the woundings continue to this day, and I find that I am continually having to work through the hurt and anger.  I tried to talk to you last summer about my feelings and you denied everything I said and only would say that you were sorry that we had “misunderstood” one another.  
For as long as I can remember, our relationship has been characterized by intimidation, fear, controlling, manipulation and criticism.  I very rarely remember being praised by you or hearing that you were proud of me for anything.  None of that has changed much to this day. You’ve spent years of my life not speaking to me for disagreeing with you.  At one point you declared “WAR” on me and threatened to sue me to have my children taken from me.  You have told me many lies over the years.  When you and Mom divorced, you did not seem to care how you traumatized Sherri and me; we were just weapons to try to hurt Mom.  And you did traumatize us with the horrible things you said about our mother, very inappropriate behavior to me demonstrating Mom’s so-called “slutty behavior”, trying to kidnap us from church, threatening behavior (like the knife in the kitchen floor that terrified us) and many other things.  For 25 years, you cursed my mother to me, trying to turn me against her, even until a year after her death (when you spent an hour telling me how she had wronged you 25 years ago as if I hadn’t heard it hundreds of times) until I finally said I would listen to no more if you wanted a relationship with me.   
Now it starts all over again since you have begun the campaign of bad-mouthing my sister to me every chance you get, even though I insisted when this all started that you not talk to me about her.  You call Sherri a liar and yet you lie about her.  What Sherri said was true.  She did not say what she said just to hurt you and she did not call you a pedophile.  However, the memory of you having us model our underwear is MY memory as well.  I remember getting to an age (10 or 11) when it was embarrassing to me and I refused to do it anymore.  We both know that you meant no harm by it but it made us uncomfortable once we started growing up.   You have made your daughters as well as your granddaughters uncomfortable by not respecting their boundaries as women or their privacy.  I have so many memories of these awkward situations and so do my daughters.  For example, walking in on the girls while they are in the bathroom or changing in their rooms (and trying to hug them instead of turning away and leaving immediately) or comments like “you look sexy” or “if I were your age, I’d have to take you for a tumble” are inappropriate and embarrassing for a young girl coming from her grandfather.  There have been many examples of this over many years.  None of these are things I want to discuss with you and I have tried to overlook them for years, because I don’t believe you intend to be offensive.  I know it will hurt you and so I have avoided defending Sherri.  And maybe you will be angry with me and call me a liar who just wants to hurt you.  But it is not true.  I say this only because you have pressed me over and over to explain myself to you.  And because it is unfair to my daughters to continue to remain silent about it.  And it is unfair to my sister to allow you to call her a liar for bringing it up to you. 
I could say more but I don’t want to.  Sherri and I have both had a lot to overcome in our lives for all of these reasons.  Sherri’s point (that you missed) when she talked to you was that she has always been scared of you (not of being molested); we both were – because you wanted us to be.  It’s a form of control that worked on us for many years.  You have been rejecting Sherri for all her life (and her family).  You’ve never admitted or even acknowledged any of this.  You never seem to think you are wrong about anything in ANY of your relationships. It’s always someone else’s fault and you miss the “coincidence” that you have problems with almost everyone you have a relationship with.
You asked Phil what was so bad that I wanted to end our relationship over it.  I never said anything about ending our relationship. You are the one who seems to be doing that.  All I said was it was time for you to leave soon.   Your needs have always come first in our relationship, but for once, I’m going to have to put my needs first.   If our relationship ends, it will be your choice.  You may think you are easy to live with, but you are not.  I have forgiven you for much, I have tolerated much, and I have given much to our relationship.  But I have to stop putting myself and my feelings aside for you.   I know it is hard for you to admit any fault in yourself and therefore you might be very angry for what I have said and choose to end our relationship and demonize me for it.  And again that is your choice. This is a lot of really hard stuff for me to say to you and that’s why I have avoided being specific about why our relationship is stressful to me and why I would rather write it than say it.  But you demanded an explanation so I now I have given you one.   In spite of it all, I do love you and I understand that you have wanted to be a good father.   I’m sorry that we couldn’t just end this visit pleasantly.  I would have if you had let me.   I’m very, very tired of the confrontations with you that have been going on my whole life, so I’m not sticking around for anymore of them.  The stress has become unbearable for me and it’s making me ill.  I just want peace but I’m not willing anymore to accept it if it always has to be on your terms.
You have once again made this about money. If you want your money back because you are angry with me, you are welcome to it.  It won’t hurt me.  I was fine before I had it and I’ll be fine without it.  Money doesn’t have the value to me that it does to you.  If you don’t trust us with it, you never should have given it to us anyway.  But if you decide to wait until you actually need it, it will be there and we will give it to you when you ask.  And if you want to ask us for more than you gave us and say we stole from you, then you can live with that lie but my conscience is clean about your money.  I did just what you told me to do with it and I only spent what you told me to.
I’m still here to be your daughter and love you.  I just need a little space right now.  If you want to honestly consider and respond to this letter, you can write me back or we can talk at a later time.