Emptiness
Lately, I feel so empty and dead inside. I’m always tired. I have no motivation and I don’t really care about anything. I don’t want to do anything or talk to anyone. All I want to do is sleep - I could sleep for 10-11 hours, and I do when I get the chance. And still, I wake up and don’t want to get out of bed. I can’t focus on anything or remember anything. Sometimes I even forget people’s names; not people I am close to but people whose names I should know. This sounds like the description a “professional” would give of a depressed person, but I don’t feel depressed. I don’t feel anything. I thought, after all the stress of my Dad’s visit, that I was just worn out and needed time to recover. But that was over 3 weeks ago.
Even in the midst of this empty time, God has been speaking to me in the most powerful ways. I keep thinking I should write about it so I don’t forget. Yet I can’t seem to motivate myself to actually do it. I can’t seem to be able to put thoughts together in any coherent way. I just recognize the truth in what He is showing me, and wonder if any of it will ever be a reality in my life. I feel helpless to be able to accomplish it, and I have learned enough at least to know not to “try”. I do try to pray but can’t seem to find any words; my mind becomes a fog, and all I can think of is to accept His will in my life and surrender everything to Him.
Yesterday, I found a ray of hope in this discouraging period. I was talking on the phone with Sharon, which is always encouraging, but the best part for me came at the end of our conversation. She has recently been through a very stressful time, just like me. She began describing the emptiness that has followed, and she could have been talking about me. Of course, I was not happy about my friend’s struggle, but as we began to relate similar feelings, a realization dawned on me. The similarities are more than just a coincidence. Sharon and I have shared such parallel paths in our walk with God. This is not just some random low time in my life; even this is God’s intentional work in me! Whatever I feel or don’t feel, God is faithfully accomplishing His purposes in me and answering my prayers for His life in me. It could never be clearer to me than now, when I have nothing to offer, that this is His work, not mine. “He who began a good work in your will be faithful to complete it.”
